


I Choose To Be Here

by deanlovescastielkisses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt Dean, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3856768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanlovescastielkisses/pseuds/deanlovescastielkisses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean continues to try and push people away, thinking it'll make things easier for everyone if he does. Cas doesn't let him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Choose To Be Here

**Author's Note:**

> I could not sleep at all last night because the idea of Dean fighting so hard against Cas in the midst of a Mark of Cain freak out appealed to me.  
>   
> With that said, this was written on my phone at around 2 am so I apologize for mistakes of any kind.

Dean is getting worse and worse as the days go on.   
  
The sounds of his heart beating and the blood running though his veins are loud enough to almost deafen him as he sits in silence in his room. He's numb from the pain of the Mark and he can barely drag himself through the day, doing only the bare minimum a human needs to do in order to survive. He knows these acts are completely unnecessary because the Mark won't even let him die. Life's fucked up that way, he thinks.   
  
He figures on drinking the last of the whiskey he has stashed in his room and passing out on his bed seeing as it's the only thing that makes sense for him to do at this point. He doesn't even bother undressing or getting under the covers. The nightmares will have him up soon enough and then he'll make his way to the kitchen for more liquor to help him pass out again. He might even throw in a jack-off session if he can find the right thing to put him in the right kind of mood.   
  
Sam and Cas are sitting in the den, reading through endless books and checking various websites for lore and possible translation sites as well. Everything comes up empty and they sit back in their seats with frustrated sighs as the clock strikes midnight.   
  
Sam mumbles something about making coffee but Cas just tells him to go to bed. He'll be able to stay up for the night with no problems and he won't give up on the search for a cure; not yet, at least.   
  
Just as Sam stands up, they hear it; Dean screaming in his room, screaming Cas' name over and over again along with other screams and whimpers.   
  
Sam and Cas just take a moment to look at each other before they're bolting down the hallway towards Dean's room. Once they reach it, Sam is the one to open it. They look inside and see Dean writhing on his bed in his sleep. Sweat dampens his head and pillowcase as he whimpers and pants, aching to end whatever nightmare has possessed him at this moment. He chants Cas' name over and over along with screams of pain. "Cas!" He grunts, "No! Please! Cas!" He cries as his fingers clutch onto the sheets at his side.   
  
Cas gives Sam a terrified look and Sam just nods at him, "He needs you to wake him, Cas," Sam says softly. "I'll be out here if you need me, okay? I, umm, I learned that it's best if you wake him quickly but not roughly."  
  
Cas nods once and turns towards Dean and walks over to his side. He glances back at Sam but doesn't see him at the door, only it closing with a soft click.   
  
He sits at Dean's side and he fidgets with his hands in his lap. "Dean?" He calls softly.   
  
Dean continues to pant heavily in his sleep as more sweat falls from his forehead.  
  
Cas reaches out and caresses Dean's forehead up through his sweat-damp hair, "Dean?" He calls a little louder, voice shaking from fear.   
  
Dean stills briefly, but then continues panting and now he's started crying.   
  
Cas panics and brings his other hand up to Dean's cheek. "Dean!" He shakes him lightly. "Dean!" His voice cracks.   
  
Dean's eyes fly open and immediately find Cas. His breathing picks up again and he panics, squirming in Cas' grasp, trying to get as far from him as possible.   
  
"No! Cas!" He pleads.   
  
He lets go of Dean's head and brings his hands down to his arms, grabbing onto him tightly. "Dean! It's okay! I'm here, Dean," he shushes him and Dean stills slightly, but his breathing is still heavy. "You were dreaming, Dean. But you're safe now. I've got you," he rubs his thumbs against Dean's skin on his arms and Dean finally recognizes him.   
  
"Cas?" He breathes.   
  
"I'm here, Dean," he says softly as he lets go of the tight grip he has on Dean's arms.   
  
Dean sits up and runs a hand through his hair. He looks up at Cas, "I'm fine. You can, you know, you can go now," he mumbles, looking down at his hands in his lap.   
  
"Dean-"  
  
"Just fucking leave, Cas!" He snaps. "I told you that I'm fine!"  
  
Cas doesn't react to Dean's coldness. He only sighs softly and shakes his head. "You just don't get it, do you?" He says softly.   
  
"What? I don't-" he sighs frustratedly and stands up from his bed. He walks towards his door and opens it, "Just get the fuck out, Cas."  
  
"No."  
  
"No?" He asks, angrily. "Fine." He walks towards Cas and fists two hands into his clothes, yanking him up from his spot on the bed and he shoves him towards the door. "Get the fuck out of my room, Cas!"  
  
Cas lets Dean shove him. He stills himself and raises an eyebrow at him, "You done, now?"  
  
Dean seethes and takes a step towards Cas and throws a punch at him. Cas dodges it and counters with grabbing onto Dean's hands, placing a foot behind Dean and tripping him, causing him to fall into his back with Cas pressing down on him from above. He writhes under Cas, "Get the fuck off of me!"   
  
Cas only holds onto him tighter, not saying a word, letting Dean say everything he needs to. He knows that Dean doesn't mean any of it. That this is the Mark talking and not really Dean.   
  
"Cas! Please..." His voice breaks and he shuts his eyes as tears stream down his face, broken sobs struggling to escape his lungs and he clutches onto Cas' sleeves.   
  
"Shhh..." Cas brings Dean's limp body up into a sitting position and brings him into a hug. He sits on the floor by him, holding him against his chest as Dean lets out more and more sobs. He runs a hand through his hair and holds him close.   
  
They stay like this until Dean has no more tears. His throat aches from the screaming and his head is pounding. The Mark pulses on his arm, but that's nothing new to him.   
  
Dean pulls himself from their embrace and sniffles once. He keeps looking down at the ground, unable to look Cas in the eye.   
  
"I'm here, Dean," Cas says softly.   
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?"  
  
"Why are you here, Cas?" He asks, voice hoarse.   
  
"Because you were calling my name in your sleep. Because you were having a nightmare and because I'm no longer able to remove your nightmares with just a simple touch."  
  
"That's not what I-" he sighs. "I mean, how come you stuck around this whole time? Even though I've been nothing but a dick to you."  
  
Cas shrugs, "You try to push me away because you think it'll make everything easier. You feel as if you don't deserve someone to care for you when you are feeling like this. You think that you're doing me a favor by pushing me away. You think you're doing yourself a favor by pushing me away because you think it'll hurt less than me just walking away on my own. Does that sound about right?"  
  
Dean flinches slightly but nods.   
  
"I'm still here simply because I choose to be here."  
  
"That's a stupid-ass decision."  
  
Cas laughs lightly, "You're probably right. But..." he hesitates for a moment but reaches out and grabs Dean's hands, "...it's a decision that I will continue to make day after day because there is no place that I would rather be than here," he squeezes onto Dean's hands for emphasis, "with you, Dean."  
  
Dean shakes his head and tries to pull away from Cas, but Cas only holds on tighter.   
  
"You don't get it, do you? Even as I'm sitting here, telling you that I want to be with you, even when you're at your lowest point, you still try to push me away. Well, I'm not gonna let you because I know you want this, too, Dean. But I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Dean just sits in silence.   
  
Cas lets go of one of Dean's hands and uses his free hand to tilt Dean's chin up to look at him. Blood-shot green eyes find Cas' soft blues and Cas smiles softly at him, "You are the most infuriating human I have ever met, Dean. And that's saying something because I've been around for a very long time. But you are the only human that I have ever loved in this way."  
  
Dean blinks at him, confused.  
  
"That's right," Cas smiles softly, "I love you so much that I'm at the point where going against what is sane, which would be to walk away from you and forget all about you and your problems, is the least desirable option for me. Because I'm not walking away even though you will continue to try and push me away. Because I know that once this is all over, when we get that disgusting mark off of your arm, we will be together because it's what you want, too. I love you, Dean and I promise that I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Dean stares into Cas' eyes for a brief moment before capturing Cas' lips in a bruising kiss.   
  
Their hands find each other's arms and they grip on tightly. Cas brings his hands up to caress Dean's cheeks. Their kisses are sloppy but desperate, neither of them caring because it's just too good. Years of pent up tension between them dissolving as their tongues meet in heated kisses.   
  
Dean pulls back for air and rests his forehead against Cas'. "I'm tired, Cas," he whispers.   
  
Cas responds by standing up and pulling Dean up with him. He pulls Dean's shirt off of him and unbuttons his jeans before pushing them down his legs. There's nothing sexual about the act, it's just Cas caring for Dean as he deserves to be cared for. He lies Dean on the bed, pulling the blankets over him and stands up to remove his own shirt.   
  
Dean panics slightly and reaches up for Cas, "Stay, please," he whimpers.   
  
"I am," he smiles softly as he steps out of his own pants. He lifts the blanket up and slides in next to Dean.   
  
He reaches his arms out and tangles them around Dean and pulls him in close to his chest, head resting atop Dean's.  
  
Dean wraps his arms and legs around Cas, clinging on for dear life as Cas softly runs his hand through the back of Dean's head.   
  
Dean melts into Cas even further. "I love you, too, Cas," he says softly against his chest.   
  
An hour passes and Cas continues to hold Dean. The nightmares seem to have passed for the night as Dean's breathing evens out in his sleep.   
  
Sam walks by and cracks the door open and not at all surprised at what he sees. "You guys, okay?" He whispers.   
  
Cas looks over to him and nods. Dean shifts slightly in his sleep and clings even tighter onto him.   
  
Sam smiles softly and closes the door. Cas kisses the top of Dean's hair and continues to pray various prayers of protection over him in every single language he knows. Which is all of them, so he has lots to pray.   
  
He still doesn't know what else to do to help Dean, but this is the best he can come up with right now and it seems to be good enough in this moment. 


End file.
